I have work to do, so I'm wasting time screwing around on LJ. I guess that's all I really had to say. Off to waste more time elsewhere...

So long everyone, I'm off to Portland.  But as the internet is everywhere, I won't ever really be far away.

Happy New year everyone!

I'm gonna share a little something with my faithful readers:  I'm watching America's Top Model.  And on top of that, I'm real hype about Bianca.  And then there's commercial with a maxi pad riding one of those mechanical bulls.  Who the hell thought of that one?  Oh television...they're all so dramatic.  Tyra's not even that hot.  I think she looks like an alien...with big breasts.  But obviously that's just me.  Please give me the strength to turn off this foolishness before "Gossip Girl" comes on.  

Everything's all done and it has been for a while, since early afternoon. I feel really good, which is very surprising to me. A little sore here and there, but I've even felt the little bit of shooting pain where I think my new nips are, and it's a cool sensation. Beverly Fischer is really awesome and I'd definitely recommend her to anyone. On sort of another note, I can do stuff for myself for the most part, I'm just hoping I don't get frustrated with the things I ought not be doing. Fischer said it looked good and I want to keep it that way.
--blisteringherb

I know I need to say a little something to commemorate this day. It's finally the eve of my surgery, and essentially the day where I make this real to everyone else. The feelings of being a fraud are long gone (at least being a fraud about being a girl and being trans). I'm sleepy and feeling extraordinarily self centered. My parents are urging me to talk about this whole process and my feelings, but I really don't want to. I have an overwhelming sense to just be quiet and in zen mode. I'm excited underneath my concentration, and feeling lucky about a lot of stuff. I can't necessarily receive it right now, but I know that I'm loved. I guess that's the tradeoff for my newly found gift for remaining emotionally distant when I need to. Well I hope that I get the chance to tell people something that makes them feel good about how they've been with me. Off to bed now I think. I'm sleepy, and I'm tired of hearing my dad keep saying how bad everything and everyone is.

-Me
--blisteringherb

There's so much non-sensical stuff on tv. Gangs of New York doesn't make much sense right now except for the whole revenge thing. I'm fucked up about how vicious all the people are in this movie. I don't know if it's completely realistic, but if it is, that's some shit. I guess it also makes you think about how easy and gentle most of our lives are now. I mean, when's the last time you had to bring your own produce to a theatre production to throw at shitty performers? And it's a good thing we don't have to dress like Willy Wonka anymore either. But seriously, as much as I was concerned about getting in fights all the time, people are far more civilized than they used to be and fighting isn't really one of those things that you worry about every day.

On another note, I wonder if I'll ever become one of those people who turns fighting into sex. Fighting brings out this intensity in me that happens to be the last little piece of dark corner in my mind. It's like really losing control. I think I like sex to be under control too much in order to let that insanity that's lurking turn into sex. They really couldn't be more far apart. Hmmm, I think that may be something to think about for a while.

And finally, why is this movie so long that it's on 2 discs? And it still hasn't gone anywhere...I liked basketball diaries better. But this isn't my kind of genre anyway though.


--blisteringherb

"Lois, before I found these movies women used to only make me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes." Seth McFarlane really is a genius.

I've got crazy wanderlust again. I want to be everywhere. Just take a year. And be everywhere. Thailand, Cambodia, Amsterdam, Tokyo, Vegas... TV can really do a great job of making you want for foolishness.

I have a cold and thus my right nostril is jammed.

Netflix sucks when it comes to finding recommendations of specific movies. Well maybe it doesn't suck, but in terms of finding a really extensive list, not so great. They need to use tags. Anyway, if you know of any, give me all the movies that you know of that are about a heist, gambling, or high tech swindling type shit. I'll give some examples to get you started: Boiler Room, Wall Street, Ocean's 11+12, Rounders, The Score, etc...

Anyone know how I can learn all the php, mysql, ruby on rails, adobe photoshop logo design, etc really fast? I gotta get this website together and it's driving me nuts how much I don't know. Well it's coming along anyway.

Oh yeah, good news everyone! I'm done with therapy now. It's funny to look back and realize just how much I stressed about it and how it wasn't a big deal. Now I just have to drum up the $7000. Then I'll really be too sexy for my shirt...and really too sexy for everything else too.

I'm itching for a really good sci-fi movie. Anyone have any suggestions?

And last but not least, but did you hear about the Republican representative who sent explicit IMs to teenaged (I assume 18 and 19) year old pages in the capitol building. I'm still not betting on the democrats though. I don't even know what they stand for. But my vote they shall get anyway.

My neice, who's 3, but like 6ft. tall, and has more interesting conversation than a lot of adults I know, is in some weirdness out in Seattle. I really just wanted to see her when I went out there, and it's not like I'm close to any of my family, and I may have built this little girl up to be more than she is, but for whatever reason I'm really concerned about her welfare. Which is saying a lot b/c I damn sure don't love her father. And I don't believe in loving people just b/c they're in your family. But that's a whole other discussion. I have reason to believe that her parents met in some ridiculous way, like they were smoking crack together. She now lives out in Seattle with her mother and her father is here in Philly. She was supposed to come this summer, but her mom quit her job and her father won't work so they had no money to bring her out here. On friday we just so happened to call the grandmother (b/c the mom's phone has been cut off for weeks), and found out that they were supposed to be evicted that day at 2pm. She didn't call and say she needed help or anything...i don't know what she planned to do. But in any case, she didn't end up getting evicted b/c my mom paid the remaining rent. But there was a lot of discussion about me bringing her back here when I go out to Seattle next week...I'm doing a lot of rambling, but I'm feeling helpless right now too b/c my mom doesn't really want to do anything about it now. There was a lot of talk about what's best for the baby, but it was just talk. Especially b/c my mom is intimidated by my brother. He's the biggest fucking dick in the world, and he deserves whatever he gets. I'm so sick of him. It's times like these that I really feel much younger than 23. I guess I shouldn't even really care that much. I just really love Mauricia...I think she's an awesome kid, and she should have the best opportunities around, like we all did. Maybe my feelings are just b/c of the change of seasons...

Well, I gotta go to class in a couple hours. More anthropology. I really love it, so I'm definitely looking forward to it.

We're in the preseason again ladies and gentlemen. I'm sitting here looking at Ben Roethlisberger talking about his game. You may remember that about 8 months ago he was in a motorcycle accident, not wearing a helmet. He was a big proponent of the movement to stop laws requiring people to wear helmets when riding. Awww, his little sister turned 17 today. Isn't that nice? I need to get into watching sportscenter on ESPN so I have something to talk about at the barbershop. Especially now that they're talking about football. Basketball makes me throw up a little. It's that boring.

That movie about Vince Pepalli (sp?) just came out today. I have a big NEED to see it. Well, until manana. BTW, the professional cheerleaders aren't all that hot. In fact, I don't know that cheerleaders in general are hot. Maybe I haven't been on T long enough...

GO EAGLES!!!

And b/c it is, I'd really like to being doing something really fun. I almost want to go down to washington to see my ex. I really miss her. Not like that, but you know, like a friend. You ever had a friend that you vibed with so well that you were sure no one else could even come close? Well she's that person. And she invited me to go down there this morning. Maybe I'll go during the weekend or something. Well, I'm off to see the wizard now.

In the spirit of god.
In the spirit of the ancestors.
In the spirit of the black panthers.
In the spirit of assata shakur.
We make this movement towards freedom
For all those who have been oppressed, and all those in the struggle.

I wonder what would happen if that woulda been me?
All of this shit so we could be free.
Yeah, I often wonder what would happen if that woulda been me?
All of this shit so we could be free

Im thinkin of assata
Listen to my love, assata
Your power and pride, so beautiful...
May God bless your soul.

freedom is-- is the right to grow, is the right to
Blossom.
Freedom is -is the right to be yourself, to be who you are,
To be who you wanna be, to do what you wanna do.

Just thought I'd share: I can shoulder lean...ionno how to dan dough(I don't know how to dance though). For those of us out there who know that, "Gangstas dont dance they lean wit it rock wit it", but wanna be honest.

And what's up with all these stupid songs on the radio, Justin Timberlake I mean you! If I had it my way it'd be southern and midwest rappers only, with a splash here and there of Amerie, and maybe Mary J. (but not that damn song they keep playing now). To be honest I don't hate the Deja Vu song (the video is idiotic, I mean it's really dumb, I'm gonna need for her never to do an african-style dance again. I won't bother explaining why. Just watch the video), and that Cater 2U song by Beyonce/Destiny's Child. They could play those. But on the radio I want to hear what I said b4 unless it's quiet storm, then just play the old stuff. Looks like Outkast is hinting at another album, that I can't wait for. Why is it that the good artists like Pharrell and Bilal take so long coming out with new stuff? And I guess we can forget about D'Angelo. I'm feelin some type of way about him turning into a fat boy.

Maybe one of these days I'll write an essay about Beyonce, beauty ideals, and black men (cause it's always gotta have black men in there somewhere). What ever happened to natural looking black women in videos and in general? There's gotta be some type of conspiracy that made Lil' Kim and Janet cut their damn noses off. They were so fly, and now...we can see Kim's brain, and Janet's looking more and more plastic. Missy lost the weight, if she cuts off her nose too, I'm DONE! It's rare that I see a thick girl too these days. It's one extreme or the other (or they have a manly shape). But I won't touch that one too much...people are sensitive. Maybe we all reminsce about the old days...

But I'll leave you with this. I thought I told you that we won't stop, eh eh, eh eh.

Folks, I'm sitting here watching Maury, it's installment 2 of "I'm a man, but I was born a woman". Mr. Povich never ceases to be completely clueless (well nearly so) about sex changes and surgery. I guess most people are, and I'm realizing that most people also don't care much, espcially after the first 5 minutes when the "freak show" novelty has worn off. And obviously I don't mean that transpeople are freak shows...to me we're not, but I think to a lot of people we are.

Today was interesting, went to Temple's anthro dept, and talked to a couple people there, one who asked a bunch of questions about my trans status, I halfway flirted w/her. She had a pretty face, a nice feminine voice, and was thick. But then I saw the ring on her finger...I'm not tryna get stabbed by some dude. She seemed curious, and I'm always down for providing an education...hehe. She could've got some hands-on training.

EDIT: Wait, Maury just dropped another gem. "You know what's amazing?...The 'Walk'. None of them walk like women! (He turns to the guest) Do you think it's the hormones? I think it's the hormones." So I guess they need to put that on the list of side effects: contraindicated for people who want to continue walking like women. Oh Maury, gotta love 'im

Seriously, are you ready for another inane fact? I went to the movies yesterday...and went to the little boys room all by myself! Not that I would've gone with someone else, but it was the first time I went in the men's room...and boy was it crowded! Wow, wasn't that exciting to read about?

In any case, I saw Lady in the Water and Clerks 2, both were really good. I didn't have anything better to do so I stayed for 2 movies. There's a lot of good ones coming out...one where this black woman is essentially the savior of human kind after no women can get preganant, then there's the movie with "Marky" Mark Wahlberg where he trys out for the Eagles and ends up playing for them, some dumb movie with sexy teenagers, another Jackass movie!!, there's just so many. I think maybe I'll see an indie film sometime soon. I need to plan my trip to seattle too, and apply for the subsidized fee. Busy week coming up.

I appreciate LJ's no-ad thing. On the new Vox, they have ugly google ads on the bottom of the page. Maybe they'll roll out a paid service so that you don't have to see them. That's why I spend so little time on myspace b/c it's just a clutter of ads and messed up html that people use on their pages. That being said, has anyone else checked out downelink except for those people who I've already friended? It's a nice, clean interface, with a lot of less-robust elements from other sites put together. It's a good site. One day some1's gonna do a behemoth (sp) of a site with great blog capabilities, tags for photos and blogs, full interest search functions, forums and communities, and no ads for paid subscribers. I know it's too much to say no ads for anyone. It'd be nice if a site could figure out how to allow html, but put constraints on it so people don't end up totally fucking up their pages and making it near impossible to navigate their page. If you're one of those people on blackplanet, myspace, or downelink, Cut it Out! Just b/c the html functionality is there it doesn't give you license to go buck wild.

Well, back to the warm snuggly blanket that is the internet...

My feet are bigger...stay tuned for more inane updates.
--blisteringherb